Do Demons Wear Santa Hats?

In celebration of the holidays, I felt it necessary to write a piece of comedic fiction. The story is tied to my Black Earth series and features Queen Evanescence, Lieutenant in the Dark Army…

Copyright 2009 David N. Alderman

Evanescence exited the meeting chamber of the Dark Lord and strolled down the grand hallway. Her black dress skated along the dark marble floor with haste. She was full of excitement, ready to start this new project of hers. The Dark Lord had just given her permission to move forward with her plans, and she couldn’t be happier. If there was such a thing as joy here in the depths of Hell, she was feeling it to its full extent.

She calmed her spirit, knowing full well that this was only the beginning. Getting permission to create new life was only the first step in what was going to prove to be a very long, very painful process. But she would stay committed. She would stay committed to the task if it was the very last thing she did. Knowing she was immortal, though, made her laugh to use that expression: the very last thing she did. 

She let out a little giggle as she passed underneath the arch and entered the lobby area where her assistant, the onyx-skinned demon Malrov, stood waiting for her. The large beast had thick-hoofed feet and dark, spiral horns with glowing embers at the end. She loved the appearance of him, although he wasn’t the smartest assistant here in the Depths.

He smiled with his sharp teeth. “Did you gain permission, my queen?”

She nodded and then floated right on by him, making her way out of the lobby area toward the large hallway of rooms. He followed her, his mighty hooves clacking against the marble as he rushed to keep up with her.

Evanescence stopped in front of a large door decorated with human skulls. One of them was positioned outward, as if it was there to stare at her every time she returned to her room. She smiled at it, cupping her palm and tapping her long nails around its chin. The bone was cold against her fingertips.

“Did you miss me?” Evanescence whispered to it.

The skull’s mouth moved as a wheezy voice came out. “Yesss, my queen. As alwaysss.”

“And what is the status of my room?”

“Your room hasss been violated today.”

Evanescence swung her arms out in rage, slapping Malrov in the face in the process. He neither flinched nor moved. Instead, he scratched an itch on his forehead.

“Was it those infernal demolings again?!”

The skull coughed, and pieces of hair and dust sputtered out in front of Evanescence. She waved her hands out to wisp them away.

“Yesss, my queen. They were here while you were visssiting the Dark Lord.”

Malrov clenched his fists together and snarled. “Would you like me to take care of them for you, my queen?”

She prodded her forehead with her fingers and closed her eyes, knowing her pupils were literally burning red with fury. She realized the task she had at hand was so much more important than those stupid little demons messing up her room again. She turned to Malrov and nodded, her eyes coming back to their blue tint.

Malrov smiled and took off running down the hallway, the clacking of his hooves disappearing into the distance.

Evanescence opened the door and strode into her room. As the door slammed shut behind her, she was surprised to find one of the demolings sitting on her bed—on her pillow no less—playing with her makeup. She stood, shocked as she watched the little demon apply some of her blue lipstick to its lips. Her cosmetics were strewn about her satin bed sheets, some of them already opened and applied to her sheets, to the posts of the bed and to the demoling.

“You have the nerve!”

The little demon looked up, startled at the intrusion. It was wearing blue eye shadow as well. It smiled wide at her, its little teeth blue with what Evanescence could only guess was lipstick. “My queen,” it uttered in its own demonic language.

“Yes! Your queen! Your queen, indeed!” She stormed toward the creature. It was already off the bed and leaping from the bed post. It sailed through the air across the room and landed in her dresser mirror, smashing into the glass with its head. Its fragile body tumbled to the dresser surface and stayed there for a moment, dazed at its miscalculation of trajectory.

Evanescence was past the point of being patient with these little mongrels. She was a superior being who didn’t need to put up with these little rodents scouring her room for what they thought to be treasures. She made it to the dresser in a flash and grasped the demoling by the neck, digging her cerulean-painted nails into its soft flesh. Its skin felt like a piece of rotted fruit.

“You will pay for your defiance, little one!”

The demoling’s face twisted and contorted as its claws gripped her hand. It was no use. Evanescence squeezed as hard as she could as its neck exploded and the demon fell to pieces in her hand. She dumped the mess on the floor and wiped her hand across her dress.

She would have to get someone to clean up this horrid mess. She glanced at the floor, saw the splotch of demon entrails and blood, and shook her head. “Let that be a lesson to the rest of you who want to intrude on my domain!”

She heard a weird scratching sound behind her. When she turned around, her wardrobe cabinet burst open, and a blur of red monsters leapt out at her, knocking her to the floor—right in the puddle of guts. She felt the little monster hooves and claws scrape across her dress and the parts of her skin that were bare, as a half dozen demolings stampeded over her and darted out the doorway, escaping into the hallway to their freedom.

She gathered herself together and stood to her feet, covered now in blood. “Curses, you little brats!”

Malrov burst into the room and stood at attention, staring at her. She glared at him, shaking her hands to rid herself of some of the filth.

“Your majesty, I wasn’t able to find the little brat who snuck into your room earlier.”

“Get out, Malrov. I would like to be alone.”

He looked confused. “I thought you wanted me to help you with your plans.”

“Yes, you can help by getting out of here! I need to be alone when I create my masterpiece.”

“What about the battle plans for Destinea?”

“What about them?”

“We have to prepare the troops for the surface landing in four hours.”

“I will be ready to do so in two hours, Malrov. Please…just get out of here.” She felt blood trickling down her face and was sure she was going to gag. The very thought of inferior blood having any contact with her own royal skin was atrocious.

“Well…the Legion is waiting in the war room for you.”

“The Legion can wait. I don’t answer to them. I answer to the Dark Lord. Now get out of my room! Your queen demands it!”

Malrov stumbled out of the room, slamming the door shut.

Evanescence grabbed a towel from her dresser and wiped her face and arms with it. Then she sat down on the bed and began picking up the cosmetics that were still intact. Her mind wandered to how wonderful it would be once her creation was done. She felt so honored that the Dark Lord had allowed her the privilege of bringing a new child into their ranks. Into their family. He was so gracious. She would do anything for him. He knew that, though. She hoped he knew that.

She glanced around at the black walls and reminisced about the time she had gotten her wings clipped. It was a liberating feeling to be considered one of the Dark Lord’s elite. She felt the warmth of his respect for her and smiled. She would do him proud by creating new life for their family. For their army. For the purpose of bringing destruction to the one planet she couldn’t bear to think about: Earth.

Their plans were to attack Earth months from now, which would leave plenty of time for her to create her first and only daughter: Pearl. That would be her name. As beautiful as the most precious treasure in existence.

Evanescence leaned back on the bed and closed her eyes, imagining what she wanted Pearl to look like. The girl would have pure white skin, and her hair would be long and black—blacker than the blackest night. Her eyes would glow a harsh blue, to indicate to everyone that she was a child of the great queen Evanescence. Her voice would rival that of their dark choir, and maybe even of the Dark Lord himself, although that was not something Evanescence actually wanted. He was their worship leader, so…

There was a knock on her door. She opened her eyes and huffed under her breath. Could she just get a few moments alone? Alone in her darkness, alone in her putrid soul? She slid off the bed and adjusted her gown, readjusting her breasts in the corset.

The knock came again, only stronger this time. She stamped her foot on the ground and bit her tongue in the process. The blood tasted refreshing, but the pain was not. She grabbed the handle of the door and swung it open in a rage.

Malrov was standing there…with a red and white Santa Claus hat on his head. “Your highness, the Dark Lord wanted me to tell you that your chamber is ready.”

She ground her teeth and shook her head violently. “What are you doing with that ridiculous thing on your head?”

Malrov laughed. “Yeah, my Santa hat? Reytha gave it to me. She said I could keep it if I promised to wear it in front of you.”

“Ooohohhhhh! You really piss me off sometimes, Malrov!”

“Why? I thought it might cheer you up.”

“Why would ANY reminder that it is Christmas cheer me up? The celebration of the birth of our sworn enemy? Why would I want to celebrate that?”

Malrov looked sad. He turned and shuffled down the hallway as Evanescence slapped her palm on her face and sighed. “I need a vacation from these idiots!”

She shut her bedroom door and started down the hallway, preparing herself mentally for what was about to happen. She would have to spend a full day in the Life Chamber to create Pearl. To create a child that would help them destroy Earth. And once Earth was destroyed, including all of the believers on that forsaken planet, she would be able to rest easily. She hated the thought of those fools worshiping anything other than her dark master. All in due time. All in due time.


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