It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on this blog regarding my personal life. I attribute some of that to the fact that I’ve just been highly introverted for the last few years. My two years in the Bay Area – and my time since moving back here to Arizona – have left me in a lot of silence in regards to sharing my life story with anyone. I guess I’ve just been processing everything that’s been happening and haven’t felt like letting others in on what’s been going on to a greater detail than some vague posts about how tough the move out here was, how agonizing my grandfather’s death was, or how much of a challenge it has been to adjust to everything now that I’m not in California – my home state – anymore.
Needless to say, I’ve been processing a lot. I feel like I’ve been stuck in a vacuum with only myself, my family, and God to help me process the life changes that brought me to the place where I’m at tonight, sitting at my keyboard, writing about my life. Of course I have friends, but when you are in that vacuum, you really just – I don’t know – want to be left alone. By the world in general, not really anyone in particular. Alone to process. Alone to think and feel and figure out where I’m at in life and what’s next.
Some of you may have read my book, Of Dreams and Faith. It’s essentially a hybrid memoir / life journey story about how God called me to writing and the incredible journey of faith God has had me and my wife on. The book ends with us arriving in San Francisco, open-ended with no idea where things were going to go from there but trusting that God had a plan.
Fast forward two years from the end of that book, and now I’m back here in Arizona, hating the heat and wanting so bad to return to the Golden State.
Life threw me a curve ball. Rather, it felt like God threw me a curve ball. I thought ‘A’ was going to happen, would have been happy with ‘B’, but instead ‘L’ happened, and I was left scratching my head.
In the last few months, I have been disciplining myself. I force myself to step out of that vacuum and try and look at the bigger picture, try to figure out why God has me where I’m at right now instead of brooding on why I’m not where I was in the past. In doing so, I have been able to develop a partial view of God’s plan, however fragmented the pieces are at this moment in time. God rarely reveals His whole plan to anyone. If He did, where would the room for faith be?
He calls us, step-by-step, to walk out on the water. And each step is frightening, and each step makes our heart beat louder, our knees give way, and our stomach twist in knots. But we’re called to make those steps.
Another step is here for me to take: My son getting surgery next week to help correct his club feet. He had a surgery shortly after he was born as part of the Ponseti technique to help correct his club feet. They cut his Achilles tendons and put him in casts. He was in casts much of his early years, and bar shoes at night for at least three years now. This time they are going to cut his Achilles tendons, but also transfer some of the tendons along the tops of his feet so his feet are ‘naturally’ pulled outward to help straighten them out.
It’s a simple 2 hour procedure. But after the surgery, he will be put into long leg casts that he will have to be in for at least 6-8 weeks. Meaning he will be wheelchair-bound. For a 4 1/2 year old, I imagine this is going to be torture.
If we hadn’t moved back here, we wouldn’t have been able to get on the right insurance to allow us to get this surgery done. There is a special state program that takes care of kids with issues such as club feet. If we hadn’t moved back here, we wouldn’t have been able to get my son back into the capable hands of his lifelong orthopedic surgeon. Not to mention we wouldn’t have the physical support of our friends and family if we still lived nearly 900 miles away. Those are big things. Big things that I didn’t anticipate while I was in the Bay. Big things that God knew about, but I didn’t.
Are these the only reasons we’re back here in the Valley of the
Hell Sun? Not by a long shot. God has done a great many things – taught me a great many things – since we moved back here last May. And as much as I am eager for this season to change, I’m teaching myself to stop, to rest, and to understand that God has a reason for everything. He is in control of everything. This will be a challenging season, but it’s one we’re in not by accident, but by godly intention.